Hi, I’m getting married in five months.
I know this might not be considered so “offbeat” per se, but could you give any advice to me regarding losing virginity on said wedding night?
I’m quite nervous about this.
-Miss Scaredy Pants
Offbeat Bride isn’t normally about sex advice, but I suppose I can relax the rules to answer your question. My answer is simply this: Masturbate frequently so that you are able to show your new husband exactly what you enjoy. Because if you don’t know what feels good, how the hell is he supposed to figure it out?
Now I’m sure there are some of you that are like, “Seriously? We’re talking about jacking off on a wedding blog? Did I click the wrong wedding porn?” But I’m serious about this: I think the world would be a better place if more people took responsibility for their own pleasure. Having a sense of ownership over your pleasure is way bigger than sex — it’s about life.
See, when you know how to take care of your needs (sexual, emotional, financial) it means you’re less likely to hand over control to other people. Wedding night deflowering not going as planned? Grab your partner’s hand and show him what feels good. Feeling hurt by something your father-in-law said? Time to call him up and try to find a solution. Frustrated by a situation with your boss? Time to march to her office and tell her what your career goals are. Knowing how to take care of your needs is a hugely important life skill, and playing an active hand (hardy har har!) in your nascent marital sex life is an awesome opportunity.
Here’s the thing: there are too many married couples who assign each other responsibility for their sexual satisfaction. In other words, if Spouse A needs to get off, it’s Spouse B’s responsibility to help. Of course having sex is an awesome thing to enjoy together, but there’s nothing worse than the long-term dynamic of “Hi, I need to get off. What are you going to do about it?” Way to make it about obligation. Bleah.
When each partner takes responsibility for themselves (sexually and otherwise) it makes the times when you come together (instant rimshot!) that much more special. You know neither of you are there out of obligation or a sense of responsibility. You’re both there because you want to be.
When you’re empowered to take care of your own business as an individual, you’re a stronger half of a partnership. Again, this isn’t just sex. It’s easier to work with other people when you take responsibility for taking care of your own shit. It’s easier to be friends with people when you know own boundaries. Having insight into yourself and what works for you (sexually or otherwise) puts you into a great position to really get the most from every situation.
Whether that’s your wedding night introduction to intercourse, or whether that’s thinking about the decades to come …. knowing yourself first gives you more confidence and strength to get to know someone else intimately.
In terms of your wedding night, just because you’re having sex for the first time doesn’t mean you should be TALKING about sex for the first time. Pop your “talking about sex” cherry right now! Talk with your partner about what you’re looking forward to on your wedding night. Talk about what’s making you nervous. Talk about what you want to do. Talk about what you don’t want to do. Communication is 50% of good sex, so GET TALKING, Miss Scaredy Pants!
Oh and PS: Get one of these. Sure it looks like a kitchen utensil, but it’ll make both preparing for your wedding night and your actual wedding night more fun.
Anyone (virgins or otherwise) got advice for Miss Scaredy Pants? Leave a comment!