Is having an offbeat wedding any different than having a traditional wedding?

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111008_Kate-and-Tom_0176That’s the question that Jezebel.com asked this weekend, and I figure maybe I should give my answer.

First, I want to acknowledge that although the Jezebel post clearly references the concept of Offbeat Bride, it never directly names or links my site or book. (This actually seemed to cause some confusion in the comments section, where people unfamiliar with Offbeat Bride were like “What are you even talking about, ‘offbeat weddings’?”)

Therefore, I don’t think the post is intended as a jab at Offbeat Bride. Rather, it observes that some brides spend just as much money, time, and energy on their nontraditional weddings as other brides do on traditional weddings. Then the question is posed: how nontraditional are you REALLY if you’re still spending so much time, energy, and money on your wedding?

This assumes that the most nontraditional way to have a wedding is to go the courthouse and do it Justice of the Peace style. Which, sure: a courthouse wedding is awesome! But what about people whose communities are important to them? What about people who love to party? What about people who are actually (CRIME OF CRIMES!) excited about their weddings?

It seems like the root of the issue is that for some folks, there’s still a lot of guilt/judgment around “caring about wedding = victim of patriarchy and/or wedding industry.”

To me, this feels like it assumes that as women we’re not able to think through decisions or control ourselves when faced with wedding fluff. It assumes that once you start planning a wedding, you’re clearly on the slippery slope to suddenly wanting chairs with ruffles and monogrammed everythings! You’re blinded by the cupcakes and ribbons and suddenly you forget your own (last) name and just want MORE PERSONAL DETAILS! MORE SPECIAL FAVORS! MORE MORE MORE!!

It’s a risk, sure. That once you open Pandora’s Wedding Box, all the expectations come flying out and you find yourself agreeing to a $200 ring pillow or reciting Catholic vows when you’re really more of a Wiccan Buddhist.

That absolutely can happen, and part of why I wrote my book was to support people who are trying to keep it from happening.

That risk is part of why I continue to write posts reminding people “your wedding is not a contest,” “don’t fetishize your nuptials,” “try not to get caught up in trends.”

To me, part of planning an offbeat wedding is walking into the process with your eyes as wide open as possible, so that you can make thoughtful decisions. I want to empower women to go into this process with the ability to make their own decisions outside of both religious/traditional expectations and consumer/industry pressures.

But when you assume that anyone enthusiastically planning a wedding is automatically a victim of outside forces, you’re asserting that women can’t think for themselves and are powerless against the lures of taffeta and tiaras. That once we see something sparkly, it’s all white blindness GIVE ME MATCHING GARTER bridezilla bullshit. That if you’re planning a wedding, on a certain level … you’ve already lost your mind.

Some people like big parties and are drawn toward extravagant weddings, offbeat or not. Some people hate big parties, and therefore plan a beautiful simple wedding. As long as it’s an honest reflection of the couple getting married (and that includes an honest reflection of their budget!) I’m all for both ends of the simple/extravagant spectrum.

I heartily believe that with support and encouragement, intelligent women can plan weddings of all kinds thoughtfully and with their values intact.

So, my final answer to the question: Yes, it’s different — because of instead of asking “How can I keep up with expectations?” you’re asking “How can I create a wedding that’s authentic to what I actually want?” It’s all about the intent.


[I’m cautiously leaving comments open on this post, but I want to clarify that I’ll be closing them quickly if the discussion turns toward bagging on Jezebel. As y’all know, online civility is extremely important to me so please don’t go flaming Jezebel’s comment section. I want to believe we can disagree gracefully on this subject.]

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