Her offbeat partner:Brendan, corporate trainer
Location & date of wedding: Locust Grove (the home of Samuel Morse), Poughkeepsie NY — September 4, 2010
What made our wedding offbeat: So often I hear from friends who are in relationships that are heading to marriage that they feel like they have two choices: elope and do it the way they want, or go all out and have a Big White Wedding. We took “do it the way we want” and applied it to … a big fuchsia and purple and red and blue wedding!
We had no theme or set colors. We threw in lots of things that reflected us, without worrying about how they all fit together. We figured that if they fit together in our personalities, then they should be fine in a celebration that reflects our personalities. Specifically, there were a lot of Asian elements as we’ve both lived in several countries in Asia. We had a tea bar and vintage postcards from India and Taiwan (which complemented the look of the historic site). We had a poem read in Chinese and English as I speak Mandarin and we currently live in Taiwan. Our processional was played by a good friend on solo flute: The Butterfly Lovers concerto, from a Chinese opera.
I studied abroad in India, so we had the Tamil poem “Red Earth and Pouring Rain” read. We kicked Wedding Chicken squarely out of the party and served tandoori chicken, pierogies and kielbasa, lamb kebab and an array of Middle Eastern, Chinese and Indian appetizers.
A friend created a specific font for us in decorative Morse Code, to cheekily nod to the fact that we were getting married at the home of Samuel Morse, and we decorated our paper products with it.
In the end, though, all of that was great and lovely, but honestly, a few bright colors and some decorative flourishes don’t represent “us” — WE represent us, and so while we spent time making everything look lovely, we always kept in mind that the focus was the start of our marriage. We never focused on “Having a Wedding.”
Neither of us is particularly religious, and regarding government institutions, well, “we don’t need a piece of paper from City Hall keepin’ us tied and true.” In our hearts, we were already married long before we signed the paperwork and said “I do.” Our wedding was merely a public celebration of that fact.
Tell us about the ceremony: We had no particular ceremonies within the ceremony (no candles, no sand, no salt, no wine), but we did feature three readings that meant a lot to us. The first was Robert Frost’s “The Master Speed.” The second was a Chinese and English reading of “Married Love,” a 13th century Chinese poem by a female poet (quite rare in those times). Our benediction was by Rumi.
We stood together at the front, no altar, just the garden in the background and swaying trees beyond. We let our attendants sit during the ceremony, which they appreciated (and which I recommend). We said our own vows but otherwise kept it rather simple.
Our biggest challenge: We planned our wedding from abroad — ten thousand miles to be exact — from Taipei to Poughkeepsie, New York. The challenges we faced in figuring out even basic decor items, finding vendors, getting him a suit, and finding me shoes (in a country that does NOT sell my shoe size) were massive. We spent more money than I’d like to remember on shipping items from Taiwan that wouldn’t fit in our suitcases and ordering items online. We had midnight Skype calls with vendors because of the time difference. We signed a venue contract without seeing the actual venue.
It was also hard having to appoint someone else — my mother — as our eyes and ears in the wedding locale. Not because my mother was untrustworthy: quite the opposite. I’m just a natural planner and take-charge-gal, and I didn’t like handing over power.
Finally, we are not religious, but I wanted an officiant who knew at least one of us. I was raised Christian and so asked my pastor from childhood to do it: I respect him greatly as a person, and was proud to be married by someone who had a progressive, liberal life outlook while still being a clergyman. It raised a lot of thorny issues of faith — there were more religious references in the ceremony than we wanted, but we wanted Howard to officiate more than we wanted a totally secular ceremony, so we let it go. We navigated the issues of a non-church wedding, secular readings and music and ended up with a meaningful ceremony brought together by meaningful people in our lives.
My favorite moment: The most meaningful moment came the moment we woke up (in the hotel room that we shared — O! The Horror!) and I found myself with a raging migraine. My now-husband got me a glass of water, found the Tiger Balm, made coffee and scavenged some crackers so I could take my medication with something in my stomach. It meant a lot to me to know that, even incapacitated at the start of a hectic day, he’d be there for me first, and worry about other things later. I would do no less for him.
When I went to get my hair done, the migraine was just barely subsiding. Our attendants really stepped up, getting table cards in place, making sure that lunch, strawberries, chocolate and champagne appeared in the suite, and one went with me to help me write my vows on a nice piece of paper, which I had forgotten to do. The stylist started crying as I read them to the bridesmaid for transcription. I nearly started crying, and my headache chose that moment to subside.
I love my dad very much, but for the longest time leading up to the wedding I felt trepidation about him walking me down the aisle. Not because of him, but because of what that tradition represents.
On the day of the wedding, I just let it go. I made a conscious decision to re-appropriate that tradition to “my father is walking with me down the aisle, he is not escorting me. Walking with me on my wedding day is a great honor and I have chosen to give it to the wonderful father who helped raise me.” It worked; it also helped that he didn’t “give me away.” In the end, I’d say that that was one of the most meaningful moments of my wedding day.
And, of course, the very long kiss that we shared at the end while people applauded. I will never forget that.
My funniest moment: Before the ceremony, guests were assembled as we were returning from photos. Everyone saw me before walking down the aisle. Someone called out “we’re not supposed to see you before the ceremony!” I stuck my tongue out and blew a raspberry to everyone’s great delight.
Our ring bearer, my three-year-old cousin, didn’t want to give up the ring box (an inexpensive carved wooden box given to me by my Grandma Grace when I was a child), even in exchange for some chocolates. I was already halfway down the aisle before the Supreme Pirate managed to get the box out of his hands without him whimpering.
As I finished my vows I didn’t know where to put the paper that my bridesninja had helped me write. Confused, I just handed it to Brendan to put in his pocket. Everyone laughed, because it was so us. “Here…hold this!” But in a sweet way.
And finally, I nearly toppled Brendan when we kissed, an event captured on film that we have a framed photo of now!
Was there anything you were sure was going to be a total disaster that unexpectedly turned out great? We got married the day that Hurricane Earl was supposed to hit New York. We were expecting, at best, cloudy skies and wind, and at worst, no guests to show up and our venue to be flooded! Fortunately, despite raining the day before, we woke up to a warm, sunny, slightly windy day.
Our officiant was out of town the week before, but having just flown in from Taiwan, we didn’t know that! We called him every other day and heard nothing until the day before the wedding. Pretty terrifying!
Up until two days before we were brainstorming action plans: calling my mom’s friend who is ordained and hoping that she was free, ordaining a friend online, having a friend “act” as an officiant, letting guests know the issue and going to the courthouse on the next weekday.
We didn’t sweat it, though, as this really was a “party to celebrate a marriage.” Sure, we were legally wed on that day, but in our hearts we’d been married for quite some time. We’d end up married eventually, and it wouldn’t be a big deal.
Fortunately, Howard came back from his trip, called us and we did breathe a sigh of relief.
My advice for offbeat brides: Choose your announcements: for example, when my grandmother asked “If I wear beige, will that be too similar to your dress color?” I smiled and said “No…it’s fine,” because it just wasn’t a good time to announce that I was wearing fuchsia.
While engaged, make sure to sit down and do a thorough, clear, open and communicative assessment of your relationship and its foundations. This can be done with or without a counselor. (We didn’t have one. They don’t exist in Taiwan.) Whatever issues you may have now, they’re only going to get worse later — they’re not going away just because you’ve got a ring. Make sure you are confident that you see eye-to-eye on life values and goals, that you are both truthful, respectful, emotionally mature and have great chemistry; chemistry when it comes to daily “boring” stuff together as well as chemistry while doin’ the hoingy-boingy dance. Fix any issues now, and start your marriage with a healthy foundation, because the marriage and the partnership that entails is really what this is about.
And don’t be afraid to wear a shit-eating grin the whole time. Looks great in pictures!
- Dress: I designed my own dress from fabric I sourced myself and a vintage obi I bought in Tokyo years ago. I had it made locally in Taiwan, so I can’t provide any links to that — sorry.
- Photography: Keira Lemonis
- Food: Bridge Creek Catering
- Venue: Locust Grove is a gorgeous, courteous, and non-pretentious venue. It is expensive, but all proceeds go to the preservation of Samuel F.B. Morse’s historic home so you’re doing a good deed if you have your wedding there.
Enough talk — show me the wedding porn!